I think I’m too dependent on my car.  Even though I don’t use it quite so much in college, I feel like I’ve lost something.

Really no big deal; brother’s just taking it to San Antonio for the time being since he totaled his car. He needs it more than I do, and we’re siblings, so we help each other out. Real talk.

I’m really excited about going to Austin next year, especially now that I have the living situation worked out. It might be cramped: five people in one apartment, but we’ll manage. It will be much less costly than living on campus, and the half-mile walk will be good for me.

It snowed a lot on Thursday. A lot in North Texas standards; maybe you heard about it. It was the most snow I have ever seen at once. Unfortunately, I was ill-equipped for the snow, and I still had to go to class. I was a little miserable trudging through the snow in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a pair of Converse. My physics test was postponed so I went back to my dorm and saw a couple of smart people outside the dorm.

“You put the Wal-Mart bag over the shoe.”

Alas, it was too late for me.

Then the school closed down at 3:00pm. The damage was done. Friday’s classes were cancelled, too, but I don’t have classes Fridays, so no bigs. I spent the rest of Thursday watching Metalocalypse.

What a great show.

I think I slept straight through Friday – not even a little bit of studying (which would have been prudent) or eating.  I didn’t feel that my hunger was worth a walk through the snow.  I did, however, tend to my car a little bit by removing the five inches of snow that sat on the windshield.

My brother laughed at me when I was late picking him up from the train station on Saturday. We went home and had dinner as a family, they watched the Olympics while I worked, napped, and did laundry, and then yesterday morning my dad drove me back to school.

This was probably my most eventful weekend since school started. It was nice seeing everybody, but I hate to say that it didn’t feel particularly special.

My first tests of the semester this week, and first English essay – feeling a little uneasy about all of this. I have no doubt I’ll be fine, but this knowledge cannot help my insecurities.

I really don’t know how to end an entry. I hate writing.

So there are people I care deeply about. I don’t know, caring must be some strange compulsion of mine – I just can’t help it. Most of the time I wish I didn’t care about these people. I mean, I don’t want to care, especially because most of these people are only acquaintances who I imagine wouldn’t try to give two shits about me. Maybe. I’ve been surprised in the past. Then again, I’ve also been disappointed.

I care about how he feels. I’m concerned for his safety and mental health. I don’t want him to feel sad or alone. And I want him to understand that I care that much. But I don’t, because I have no right to. We aren’t that close. I don’t even know if we’re friends. This makes me out to be a total creep. And he doesn’t care about me – he wouldn’t care that I care. The fact that I want him to be happy means nothing to him. Only, I don’t know that, and I’m too scared to find out. Because that would leave me in too vulnerable a state. Not to mention, it may turn out that I care a great deal more than I thought, which may very well break my damn heart. Because even though I care about him, I don’t trust him. I don’t think I can trust anyone other than the few that I do already.

For the record, “he” is no specific person. “He” is everyone.

All this trouble, and it’s not even a romantic sentiment. At least I don’t think it is – if it were, would I know? Anyway, I imagine I’ll never find out. I think I’ve already resigned myself to living and dying alone. And it’s not that I don’t mind – in fact, I have this foreboding sense of despair whenever I think about my future.

I really hate to be so melodramatic.

This makes me remember the last time I tried to “open” myself up. Only disaster. Three weeks, I almost couldn’t function: I literally felt my eyes drooping. When I relaxed my face muscles, they formed a frown. I couldn’t walk upright, because my chest felt heavy; I was dragging my heart across the floor. People around me noticed something was wrong – I don’t think I cared enough to try and hide it. I was grateful that no one really pushed the issue.

Even after this great winter break, I harbor no new hope for future relationships (or current and developing ones, for that matter). I don’t expect much out of anything.

The worst part is, I think I’m trying to prevent any more. It helps me cut down on people to care about. But damn people have to be so nice.

Which creates a completely different problem. For the past couple years, I’ve noticed a growing lack of sympathy. It’s not entirely unexpected, especially since for the most part this concerns people I don’t know personally. I don’t want to talk about it too much. And it’s not even out of shame for not caring.  Actually, I don’t really know what.  How do I explain something to paper?  There’s not even a need for me to.

I don’t know what kind of person I am.  I just know that I’m not sad.  I’m not an idealist.  I’m not expecting any sort of relief by making this public.  I certainly don’t expect any comfort from whatever anyone has to say, because I’m not looking for comfort.  I just need for people to understand me a little better.  It may be a little bleak, but I’m alright with all of this.

Some wouldn’t accept it, but I just want you to know that even though a lot of times I feel helpless, alone, and unfulfilled, I have enough moments of fun, happiness, rainbows, and sunshine out my ass to sustain my will to live and enjoy living.

My winter break ends soon.  This was easily one of the best ones in a long time.

I spent a lot of time with Jessie and Linnea, with whom there is never a dull moment.  Even after knowing the both of them for almost 15 years, I feel like we kind of grew closer after hanging out so much this past month.  That’s not to say we haven’t had lapses of communication, but it’s always so easy to just pick up right where we left off after months of time apart.

And then there was the chilling with some other people I’ve only considered friends for less than 1-5 years.

All in all, this was a very refreshing winter break, especially after a miserable semester in Arlington.  At least this way I can look forward this new semester with a renewed attitude.  Which is an interesting thing for me to say, since I don’t really believe in the whole “new year, new chances” stuff.

I’m really excited to do well.

Post of happy feelings.